25 Manners Every Kid Should Know by Age 9

One of my students forwarded me this article on manners, and commented that there were some adult students and staff at the company who could use a refresher!

Funny how some of the individuals with learning differences can be sticklers about explicit codes and social rules, while being a bit in the dark on fuzzy social norms. A student who abruptly walks out of class if I'm running a minute over schedule will castigate another if he forgets to bless someone's sneeze. 

The Emotional Toolbox

I've been reading Tony Attwood's very incredible and comprehensive The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome (2007) over the last few weeks. It was completely by chance that I picked the book up in my local library at the start of my second week of work with my current job, tutoring and advising college students with Asperger's, autism, and learning differences. I've mentioned earlier in this blog my work with younger children with learning disabilities and emotional disturbances, but I'm pretty new to ASD and the related executive and social functioning issues that aspies battle with every day. If you're lacking tuition funds, the library is a great place to start your research.

Attwood's book is brilliant, and it approaches learning and socialization issues with a perspective focused on the psychological stress of Asperger's Syndrome disorientation and disorganization. The author puts tremendous effort into communicating the thinking processes and sense of difference that aspies deal with in their efforts to build happy and adjusted lives. I've come to understand students with Asperger's Syndrome as people with dramatic differences in worldview and orientation, and less as people with learning disabilities. I cannot think of another demographic with so pronounced a cultural difference. I think that's why people with Asperger's have been described as people from another planet, for the title of the book Martian on the Playground, and for the naming of the Asperger's/Autism support website WrongPlanet.net. Give these a read if you get the chance.

Since opening Attwood's Complete Guide, I've become interested in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I don't have a huge grasp on this intervention, but Attwood's overview is pretty strong, and I feel comfortable introducing the subject to my students. It goes something like:

Sometimes the way we feel about a problem is the problem itself. We might not have an immediate solution to resolving conflict with friends, adequately studying for a test, or becoming more independent, but changing our mood can have a dramatic effect on how we perceive the size and severity of a challenge. If you're feeling freaked out, you can select a "tool" or strategy from the Emotional Toolbox to repair the emotional state you associate with the problem. These include:

• Physical Activity--Whacking a punching bag, going for a walk or run, or lifting weights at the gym can release stress or tension that build up when people overfocus on a problem. About 25% of people with Asperger's Syndrome have co-morbid Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and fighting their way out of a fixation can be the first step in gaining perspective
• Relaxation--Find an activity that relaxes you, and disengage from the problem to temporarily clear your mind.
• Social Tools--The support of friends, family, and peers can be a positive force in temporarily distracting us from problems, and peer advice can offer a fresh view of old problems. For people who find social contact stressful, the companionship of an animal can provide the same type of emotional support and redirection.
• Solitude--Engaging with others brings its own stress, especially for people with expressive communication differences. Attwood says that a good rule of thumb can be 1 hour of solitude for every hour of social engagement. The flip side is that excessive alone time can become habitually escapist, and is not a positive support in addressing mood.
• Changing Thoughts and Perspective--A deliberate attempt to recognize and redirect negative thoughts can be effective in changing our moods. Everyone runs into frustrations, but turning a statement like "I'm stupid and I'll never get this material" into "I think differently, I'm better with some subjects than with others, and I'll get this if I invest the right amount of time and focus" is a good way of self-motivating and self-sustaining. I admit there's a little bit of Stuart Smalley in this one, but self-directed reframing can be an effective way to get out of an emotional hole.
• Special Interests--Many, but not all, people with ASD have a "special interest." I find the term a little condescending, and some of my students prefer to talk about their "hobbies" or just plain "interests." Allowing yourself the opportunity to engage in a rewarding pursuit is a great means of getting some temporary distance from a problem. Attwood warns that overinvestment in a special interest can lead to OCD-type behaviors, so there's got to be some parameters to the behavior.
• Sensory Tools--The last self-accessed tool in the toolbox. Some of my students take a lot of comfort in specific sensory stimulation, while others feel overwhelmed by noises, certain colors, textures, or smells. I don't have ASD, but I can definitely relate; screaming babies, noise from a commuter's headphones, or beeping coffeemakers tend to set me off. So engaging in or removing yourself from stimulus is a good way of taking charge of a mood and perspective.